.

Raising Concord: Does Being a Mom Have to Mean Being a Martyr?

It doesn’t matter if you are a mom or a dad, making time for yourself is the key to parenting sanity.

 

I don’t consider myself a martyr, but after a recent admission to friends that I hadn’t been away from my kids overnight in years, I began to rethink things. 

The weekly all-nighters, the hourly feedings and the screaming fits are over. Well, to be honest, the screaming fits still happen just not at 4 in the morning because of diaper rash. So, doesn’t that mean that taking time for myself should be easier?Maybe the problem aren’t the kids, maybe the problem is me.  

Well, that’s a load off my shoulders.

I thought my kids were dragging me down. It turns out, I am dragging myself down. I am the one who stays home with the kids so my husband can go on four (yes four) boys weekends in one summer. I am the one who makes sure the soccer and ballet outfits are clean and ready to go. And I am the one who stays home from a wedding because we couldn’t get a sitter.

Oh no, I am a martyr!

My husband, it turns out, is perfectly happy skipping a few outings, doing laundry and “taking one for the team,” as we call it, and staying home with the kids. I just need to ask -- and not assume I will be the one making sacrifices.

So, this is the year of me. I am going to go to New York to visit my friend for the weekend. I am going to tackle the new job that came at the perfect time. And I am going to ask my husband to take the kids to the park so I can read a book in peace. And it all starts now.

Actually it started yesterday, with an all-day meeting and overnight stay in Boston.

I was going to race home after the meeting to do school pick up and dinner, but my husband said he could handle it and my friend suggested I stay after the meeting for dinner. What started as a meeting turned into a chance to reconnect with colleagues and not worry about driving home at all hours of the night.

My first attempt as the anti-martyr mom started off perfectly: The kids got off to school with dad and I got to shower in peace; the meeting went perfectly and I was excited to see a text from my husband saying he had not forgotten to pick up the kids.

So, I called home during a break to say, "Hello." Rookie mistake.

My son was in hysterics and I couldn’t calm him. He had a rough day and wanted me to come home. The martyr in me wanted to drop everything and race home to him. My husband assured me everything would be fine, so I fought back the tears and went back to my meeting. Not a minute went by for the rest of the night that I didn’t think of my boy, his tears, and my guilt. This was going to be harder than I thought.

I had to regroup and get back in the game. This is the test millions of parents endure everyday, and I had to push forward. And I did. The day turned to night, and the night finally turned to the next morning when I would see my little cherubs at pick up. Getting there, my daughter leapt into my arms and my son sighed with relief at the sight of me. My daughter said she missed me so much her stomach hurt.

That night after dinner, as we all played Connect Four in the living room, I looked at my happy family no worse for the wear after my night away and smiled.

Martyr Mom be gone! I can do things for myself, not feel too much guilt and have a happy family too. 

Barbara Lewis October 10, 2012 at 11:45 AM
I enjoyed this piece very much. It sounds like Audra has started taking time for herself just in time, for herself, but just as importantly, or maybe more so, for her husband and kids. At first, when I left my husband to parent alone for an evening or weekend, I would return to his stories of this or that about what they had done or said, and often he would sound so amazed, and sorry for me that I'd missed something terrific. I finally realized he was 'experiencing' our children on a level that was so much higher than he usually did, on my level to be exact. There may be no bigger gift you can give your family that periodic absences. It sounds so strange, but as mothers we can become so omnipresent, that those around us will never relate and know each other unless we step back a bit. Best of luck! I wish I'd known then, and all that good stuff...

Boards

More »
Got a question? Something on your mind? Talk to your community, directly.
Note Article
Just a short thought to get the word out quickly about anything in your neighborhood.
Share something with your neighbors.What's on your mind?What's on your mind?Make an announcement, speak your mind, or sell somethingPost something